BANG EQUILIBRIUM

Lately, I have not been able to stop listening to the Counting Crows. Its probably the most depressing music but something about it reminds me that life is both twisted and beautiful. I have made a number of poor decisions this summer. Somehow everything seems to work out. I mean the bottom hasn't fell through the infinite abyss of hopelessness. However, people love to watch as you scramble and your foot slips and you are hanging over the nothingness.

"Look over there... do you see that girl? Hanging on the edge? I am so glad I don't play so close to the edge." Those on the proximity never see that as you inch towards the unknown and the earth begins to crumble below your feet, that so many people hang out right passed the cliff. There are staring at all the people high up there. They are so clean but they also have the tendency to be rotten to the core, at least those that never dare peer over the edge. There is too much dirt beneath the surface. "Maybe this year will be better than the last."

People have told me that I have a small obsession with India. It cracks me up that before I took a trip to Calcutta, I never gave India a second thought. It is the new trendy place to be called, I guess. Well if it serves those in need, so be it. Before I went there, I never dreamed of a place with such a grave distinction of poverty. It is possible that I could not even define the term accurately before such moments. It is important to not hold such narrow minded viewpoints that we refuse to see the truth. A picture of a very rich Indian man in a suit walking briskly pass a bony, exhausted elderly man lying on a mat taking his last breath, runs through my mind. This comes every time I begin to complain, when I refuse to see the joy in the pains of life.

I recently got a painful education on the culture of South India. I met a very distinct and attractive indian man playing soccer the day before my birthday. We talked all night and happiness filled my heart. We had moments of extreme happiness followed by extreme pain. Soon it became that every word was in a different language, and the light in our carefree eyes went out. I got so many lectures about how he could never make me happy, how our cultures were too different. All I could wonder was where that light went? It was so bright and then gone. A flash of everything wonderful in life. "You would have been taken to India and abused by his mother. She would never approve of you." "You would not be equal to him." I often have mishaps in love but I wonder... when the spirit of the Lord is present and that light is obvious, who can put it out?

Eventually the day came and I knew the entire day that there was nothing left of those moments. When it is over, we want to say we never cared. We want to say that we were wronged. The truth is that our plea will always be one sided. I am sure that most of my friends praised the Lord and were relieved that the drama was over.

I spent so many moments estranged, pondering how quickly the sand had slipped through the cracks. Spending my moments whining to my heavenly Father and waiting, knowing that every desire in me was wrong. Right after a breakup there are a lot of nasty impulses that never connect with reality.

While dating, I stopped writing which has become a regret of sorts to me. So from this moment, I begin once more. Maybe no one reads? If you are writing to get people to read, you are missing the point of writing anyway. The honesty in writing can crush or convict, let us hope for the latter.

-MJ

I had a moment with an oak leaf

Today I had my first official work meeting. They took my urine, took my blood, and gave me a shot. I fear my TB skin test may be positive due to my travels to the orient.

Well I was working with Catholic nuns in South East Asia, one lady loved to yell at us like we were experts at washing clothes in the third world. She would tell us we were doing it all wrong and steal the clothes from us. It was really frustrating until we found out that she indeed loved to play tag. We chased her through rows of hanging laundry, laughing and learning a little more about life. Her English was very rough. At one point she took cough medicine and told me that she had the "coughing disease". My heart was crushed at that moment.

However, I recently graduated from college with a BS in Biologically Chemistry. As I walked home from work today. I was truly glad to be where I am at. I had a moment filled with joy. A moment I would not have dreamed of having in a car. For a second, I thought "All you suckers in your cars, you can't even see the world." Without thinking, I ripped an oak leaf off the tree. I always did that when I was a child and I had to walk home from school. I turned over the leaf to see it's beautiful vascular system of inter-connected tubes. I have spent hours studying this very little thing. I did not look at the leaf like a child even if I grabbed it like one. I don't think it is very often that we have a moment in which we noticed that we have changed. These are fleeting tiny moments and then we wake up different somehow.

This is a season of transition for me. I have a degree, a new job, and the hopes of becoming a doctor. If I said I was not scared, I would be a liar. But to be completely honest, I believe I am exactly where God has called me to be. I believe that God fought for me to get here and I know that He still cares about people. My every hope is authored by God. I do not wish to talk a lot about God in my blogging. I wanted to focus mostly on funny things I observe in life. But to ignore the fact that I got a nice job in a horrible economy, after completing a very difficult degree. Having 20 dollars in my pocket and absolutely no savings, I was taken care of. Money came, shelter came, and food came. I prayed to the Lord and in a world of self-reliant empty shattered people, I can say that the Lord heard me and provided. I feel that the Lord is just wishing that more of His people would ask Him for help. So this is the part where I ask for your prayer request. I promise I will ask the Lord.

-MJ

My Last Day of College/ Boy Ranting... feel free not to read guys...

My pencil touched the last bubble-filling document today. I have barely had the time to blog lately because life is passing at warp speed. My last final was extremely easy and I was almost disappointed in a way. I put my pencil down and looked at the scantron. I wanted to yell, "Is that all you got scantron?" But I refrained by cautionary common sense.

Today I will be packing up my life again and moving out of my dorm. I am the worst packer ever. I usually wait until someone forces me too. It takes me forever to decide what is really that important. Do I toss that notebook of death?* What about all of the notebooks filled with hours of writing of scientific facts. I spent a large chunk of college writing out scientific facts for sake of memory. This text is useless as my handwriting is impossible to read when written after 3 am.

Yesterday, I spent some quality time with a new friend I was convinced I might kidnap. After yesterday... I am definitely kidnapping him and keeping him. He is too much fun as a person but can tend to be a bit snarky.

Snowel here is your boy rant, enjoy!!!!

I was told that I must rant about boys. I guess I have some advice for all the ladies out there. So males don't read this part. A friend of mine was complaining to me about a certain guy causing her to wait around for hours while he hung out with his guy friends, probably washed his hair, wrote a novel, and probably watched paint dry. Now, I kind of got pretty mad for my friend. When we like a guy, we tend to make excuses for their disrespect. We tend to take this burden upon ourselves. I know because I am pre-med and have dated guys that did not respect this calling. They say they are supportive of you but they don't think about the time and dedication it takes to become a doctor. I have dated guys who made me feel guilty for studying. I am have dated guys that just complain and complain. They never dreamed of ambition so big and have no clue how to work hard. This may or may not be the reason why I am single. I have made the mistake of thinking that I was so in love that I need to sacrifice large chunks of time. Well we see how good that worked out.

The point is not that I am bitter. It's quite the opposite. I have been in a lot of different relationships and I have learned from everyone. I do not regret dating any of those guys. I do regret the way I did not respect myself and I wish I would have stood up for my passions in life. I wish I had not pretended to be what the guy at the moment wanted. I cannot change any of that but I can warn my fellow ladies. There are guys out there who will care enough to study you. They will care enough to invest in all that you are and you will do the same for them. Love is never fake. If it is faked, it may seem wonderful until one day its not and its over. These moments are some of the most painful. When you hear words like, "I will love you for the rest of your life." and "I wish to marry you someday.", etc, and those things never happen, the fallout some people never recover from. The amount of pain you fill is really indicative of how much you really did love.

I think the big way to know if the guy is a faker is too see if he respects you in the small stuff. If you can trust him with a little, you may be able to trust him in larger things. This may be a slow process but you should really care enough about that person to take the time. They are a gift to you. Enjoy the journey, stop rushing to the alter.

I guess I won't get my ring by spring ... my life is so hard.

I've got two days to meet a guy and fall madly in love...

-MJ

Adventures in South East Asia...

I recently took a trip to "South East Asia" doing health care. This was an incredible opportunity to help those in need and have a lot of fun doing it. Last night, I got my pictures back. This picture made me laugh a lot and I remembered a funny story. Maybe I thought it was funny and you may think it was stupid but what ever.

First of all, I love how white I am.... go pasty northerners everywhere. I was really excited about this trip because there were not a lot of guys going on it. It was going to be this amazing opportunity to forget all of the seemingly worthless boys who wouldn't know how to be men if their lives depended on it (sorry all you good guys, little bits of bitterness here).

However, I was delighted to find out that one of our security guards was incredibly attractive. Game over. I think I sometimes think I exaggerate the foreign aspect of some males. Well ladies... I guess you can tell me for yourselves. This is shameless, I know. The ridiculousness of it all makes me happy inside.

So for days, I simply smiled at this guy. I then told the leader we were living with that I just thought he was so attractive. She laughed and said he got that all the time. One evening I came back for a long day of clinics and one of the translators had put a bedi on my forehead. The security guard's eyes grew twice as big as he smiled from ear to ear. I soon found out that he was Hindu. I also soon found out that he knew I thought he was cute. At that point, I decided that I was going to talk to him. I said, "Hi my name is MJ." To which he responded, "Hi my name is (fill in name)" This is when I started to tell him it was a cool name and asked what it meant in Hinde. To which he responded, "My name is (fill in name)." He did not know much English. I was so mortified that I total clammed up and said, "Well have a good night (fill in name)" I basically ran away and he even told the leader that it was awkward. If you are awkward with male interaction, it doesn't matter if you go to the other side of the world. You are still awkward.

Oh well, at least I got a picture. Maybe in the next life.... if he doesn't reincarnate into a cow...

-MJ

The Last Lab Report... WHOOT

I am working on my last lab report of my undergraduate degree. For all of my biological friends and foes out there.... we are all celebrating now! No one quite understand the amount of time, work, and frustration goes into a science degree. My very good friend has been through all of my daunting biology and Chemistry classes. After we experience a day that is beyond ourselves, much like today, she laughs this completely distinctive laugh that echos the offices of the SCI-TECH department so much so that I know anyone reading this from my department knows. I love it in these moments because the absurdity of the expectations and the seemingly insurmountable odds of me making it to friday leave me somewhere between screaming and sobbing. Then that awkward silence is instantly filled with laughter of a friend. That is a true blessing in this world. You know I can't hold back my laughter either. Well, I never really know when to hold back my laughter....

I apologize for not blogging sooner. If you saw my planner, you would wonder why I am now. This is preventative care for future brain explosions. I find myself in a familiar boat with far too many friends who do not wish to be here. I am about to graduate looking for a job. How do you show an employer how hard you work and the motivations of your heart on first glance? Most first impressions are fallacies that should be forgotten. Filling out the application shows how much we have done but nothing about our bull-doggedness or our unwillingness to give up. Sometimes those qualities are more important. Many people have far more obstacles making their life looks like a twisted jungle gym. Others simply walk through their boring life and collect their achievements. How do you tell an employer that you are not boring? Better than that how do you draw a jungle gym on a list of achievements? People are far more beautiful than titles and honors. Even those that have the best grades and accomplishments always have more to them than meets the eye.

Just a thought... I definitely skipped sushi eating to write my lab report so I must continue and regret that decision.

God Bless,

MJ

Dear Calvin Castaways

I have successful vacated my panicky pre-med world if only for a couple of days. Yes, I am a pre-med major and not one of those fake ones either, those that are pre-med for say a month or a semester. This May I will graduate with one of those intimidating -ology degrees, well Biological Chemistry to be exact.

I have a weird obsession with Chemistry. Maybe its the way the pages of my text smell after hours and hours of study. Maybe I like to have holes in my clothes from residual HCL on the lab counters (should have wore a lab coat). Who really knows (mystery of the universe)? Anyways, I usually spend my moments shoving information into my head much like the last pair of shoes you can't really fit into your suitcase. Just pack'em in and hope you don't break the zipper.

How did I escape the world of molecular absorption spectrums and meticulous details of ribosomal subunits and steps of translation? I attended Calvin College's festival of faith and literature. They told me to start this blog, so if you have a problem, I will outsource to Calvin College. They will eventual say that you really were pre-destined to dislike my words, only the few are chosen. Sorry as Stephen King would say, "Everything's eventual". Some of us were lucy enough to catch some life impacting quotes and I would love to share some here, giving of rights of the ideology to Snowl who did it first.

Quotes that may or may not change your life....PAY ATTENTION!!!

"It's not enough to say prayer, one must become prayer."

"God is like your mother... you clean your room to shut her up" -Sharon Flake

"If God put you somewhere, Don't leave." -Sharon Flake

"Name whatever's wrong" -Paul Willis

"We are entrusted with a with experience, a story is the burden of our witnessing."

"We must steward the afflictions God has given us."

"Write fiercely... a cloak to the shivering."

"We have just enough religion too hate.... and not to love"

"When you pick up a novel, you are entering a long term commitment" -Brady Udall

"Man plans, God laughs" -Yiddish saying

"You are designing a slaughter house" -Brady Udall Building a Novel

"If you are compelled by it, do it" -Brady Udall

"I just had a moment with a squirrel" - Bookseller in Grand Rapids

"No writing is wasted" - Stephanie Kallos

"To write social justice, you have to live it yourself." - Lisa Samson

"Sharing food is a subtle way of saying I think your life should go on. " - Lisa Samaon

"Transgression is more interesting." -Peter Manseau

"Transgression, the accidental sacrament of my childhood." -Peter Manseau

"To tell a story is to own a story." -Peter Manseau

"This is my bro....," points to shirt "That is were I live too man!"- Drunk man by the pool pointing to Martin's shirt which says "S1N"

This is a small portion of the life changing experience I have had. But seriously, I have forgotten how beautiful words can be... I have been too busy looking up the medical terms....

My pilot episode: the shortened version

Today I have become a self important person. Ride along my coat tails as I blog about the mundane events of my life.

Today I attended the first writing conference I have ever been to and they told me to start a blog. The very idea seemed counterproductive to me at first. So many people whine about there lives to the internet as of it had feelings. If it could really respond, I would think it would say shut up to most of us. There are earthquakes, starvation, and exploitation that haunts every corner of the world with just the fringes of it creeping in websites and advertising. If the internet had a soul, it would scream "World look at what you are!!! You are typing your worries into a screen with no heart and none of the afflicted have voices." So why in the world would a person like me blog?

I am glad I could ask myself that question. I am a pre-med student about to graduate from undergrad who loves to write. Much of my academic life is a fight between the love of facts and the longing of adventure. There is only so much adventure found with in the human body. The disruptions of homeostasis are fascinating. However, to express the passions of one's heart could very well be dangerous if say you wrote with a scalpel. For lack of a desire to be put in a straight jacket, I choose to be dichotomous. I am doing this to discover voice so maybe I can be words for someone else. I believe good writing should allow the reader to escape their aituation and put on someone else's skin for a while. It was the only way I survived the angst-filled years of hormone therapy known as middle school. Some of us never got over those days, even at almost 22, I am still a boy-crazy idiot. It is just a new field, with new equipment.

Anyways, the whole point of this exercise is to develop voice in the void where nothing is said and to create a place where people can step outside of themselves into my world of awkward interactions (I experience many) and misplaced moments in time.

Today I spent the majority of my time learning about writing about tragic moments and adding to the pages of book we are writing. Many of the seminars really inspired me to live outside of spending hours and hours memorizing body parts and chemical mechanisms. After the sessions I decided to get sushi at the restaurant conveniently placed across the street of my hotel with three friends. This place looked like a take-out box with the word "sushi" written on the outside, so I thought of all the nasty microorganisms that may take residence in cheap asian cuisine. However to relieve much of my worries, the inside was an incredible oasis of ritzy pseudo-Korean American paradise. It was a wonderful time with friends filled with sarcasm as all worthwhile moments tend to be. We began to walk back to our hotel and my eyes fell to the most incredible calves in the world. I only began to look at peoples calves because someone once told me that I have ninja turtle calves. Anyways, without thinking I told this male-friend, "You have incredible calves."

To this, He became sheepish and began to run away. He even giggled. Somethings sound better in between our ears.